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Wednesday, 14 November 2012

Funny quotes

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. 
Lana Turner 

A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice. 
Bill Cosby 

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. 
Jim Carrey 

I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party. 
Ron White 

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. 
Steve Martin 

A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. 
George Bernard Shaw 

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. 
Mae West

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. 
Mark Twain 

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. 
Frank Sinatra 

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive. 
Elbert Hubbard 
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity. 
Albert Einstein

 Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid. 
Hedy Lamarr 

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five. 
Groucho Marx 

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it. 
Jerry Seinfeld 

All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height. 
Casey Stengel 

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat. 
Erma Bombeck 

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry. 
Bill Cosby 

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance? 
Phyllis Diller 

A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore. 
Yogi Berra 

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths. 
Steven Wright 
I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat. 
Will Rogers 

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. 
Lily Tomlin 

Weather forecast for tonight: dark. 
George Carlin 

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people. 
Rodney Dangerfield 

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food. 
W. C. Fields 

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member. 
Groucho Marx 
A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap. 
Mitch Hedberg 

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours. 
Milton Berle 
Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them. 
P. J. O'Rourke

A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists. 
Don Marquis
Electricity is really just organized lightning. 
George Carlin
Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public. 
H. L. Mencken 

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. 
Mitch Hedberg 

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by. Douglas Adams
If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts. 
Albert Einstein 

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. 
George Burns 

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. 
Steven Wright

By all means let's be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out. 
Richard Dawkins 

I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me. 
Warren Buffett

Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely. 
P. J. O'Rourke 

I'm an idealist. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way. 
Carl Sandburg

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. 
Fred Allen 

All generalizations are false, including this one. 
Mark Twain 

I used to be Snow White, but I drifted. 
Mae West 

A vegetarian is a person who won't eat anything that can have children. 
David Brenner 

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else. 
Margaret Mead 

My most brilliant achievement was my ability to be able to persuade my wife to marry me. 
Winston Churchill 

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is. 
Ellen DeGeneres 

People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do. 
Isaac Asimov 

A lot of baby boomers are baby bongers. 
Kevin Nealon 

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three. 
Laurence J. Peter 

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. 
Rodney Dangerfield 

All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats. 
Groucho Marx

The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.
Natalie Wood

I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink. 
Joe E. Lewis

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate. 
Dave Barry

A man doesn't know what he knows until he knows what he doesn't know. 
Laurence J. Peter

I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time. 
Charles M. Schulz 

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. 
George Carlin 

Before I refuse to take your questions, I have an opening statement. 
Ronald Reagan

Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly. 
P. J. O'Rourke

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio. 
Joan Rivers 

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