Funny quotes

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. 
Lana Turner 

A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice. 
Bill Cosby 

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. 
Jim Carrey 

I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party. 
Ron White 

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. 
Steve Martin 

A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. 
George Bernard Shaw 

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. 
Mae West

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. 
Mark Twain 

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. 
Frank Sinatra 

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive. 
Elbert Hubbard 
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity. 
Albert Einstein

 Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid. 
Hedy Lamarr 

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five. 
Groucho Marx 

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it. 
Jerry Seinfeld 

All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height. 
Casey Stengel 

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat. 
Erma Bombeck 

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry. 
Bill Cosby 

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance? 
Phyllis Diller 

A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore. 
Yogi Berra 

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths. 
Steven Wright 

I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat. 
Will Rogers 

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. 
Lily Tomlin 

Weather forecast for tonight: dark. 
George Carlin 

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people. 
Rodney Dangerfield 

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food. 
W. C. Fields 

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member. 
Groucho Marx 

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap. 
Mitch Hedberg 

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours. 
Milton Berle 

Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them. 
P. J. O'Rourke

A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists. 
Don Marquis

Electricity is really just organized lightning. 
George Carlin

Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public. 
H. L. Mencken 

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. 
Mitch Hedberg 

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by. Douglas Adams

If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts. 
Albert Einstein 

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. 
George Burns 

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. 
Steven Wright

By all means let's be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out. 
Richard Dawkins 

I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me. 
Warren Buffett

Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely. 
P. J. O'Rourke 

I'm an idealist. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way. 
Carl Sandburg

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. 
Fred Allen 

All generalizations are false, including this one. 
Mark Twain 

I used to be Snow White, but I drifted. 
Mae West 

A vegetarian is a person who won't eat anything that can have children. 
David Brenner 

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else. 
Margaret Mead 

My most brilliant achievement was my ability to be able to persuade my wife to marry me. 
Winston Churchill 

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is. 

Ellen DeGeneres 

People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do. 
Isaac Asimov 

A lot of baby boomers are baby bongers. 
Kevin Nealon 

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three. 
Laurence J. Peter 

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. 
Rodney Dangerfield 

All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats. 
Groucho Marx

The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.
Natalie Wood

I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink. 
Joe E. Lewis

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate. 
Dave Barry

A man doesn't know what he knows until he knows what he doesn't know. 
Laurence J. Peter

I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time. 
Charles M. Schulz 

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. 
George Carlin 

Before I refuse to take your questions, I have an opening statement. 
Ronald Reagan

Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly. 
P. J. O'Rourke

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio. 
Joan Rivers 

Fiendship quotes

An insincere and evil friend is more to be feared than a wild beast; a wild beast may wound your body, but an evil friend will wound your mind. Buddha
 
Don't walk behind me; I may not lead. Don't walk in front of me; I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend. 
Albert Camus 

A friend is one who knows you and loves you just the same. 
Elbert Hubbard 

Friendship... is not something you learn in school. But if you haven't learned the meaning of friendship, you really haven't learned anything. Muhammad Ali 

A friend should be one in whose understanding and virtue we can equally confide, and whose opinion we can value at once for its justness and its sincerity. Robert Hall

A single rose can be my garden... a single friend, my world. 

Leo Buscaglia 

Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down. Oprah Winfrey 

Be courteous to all, but intimate with few, and let those few be well tried before you give them your confidence. 

George Washington 

Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art... It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival. C. S. Lewis
 

But friendship is precious, not only in the shade, but in the sunshine of life, and thanks to a benevolent arrangement the greater part of life is sunshine. 

Thomas Jefferson 

I value the friend who for me finds time on his calendar, but I cherish the friend who for me does not consult his calendar. 
Robert Brault 

Friendship is a single soul dwelling in two bodies. Aristotle

Let us be grateful to people who make us happy, they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom. Marcel Proust

Think where man's glory most begins and ends, and say my glory was I had such friends. William Butler Yeats

 

Friends and good manners will carry you where money won't go. Margaret Walker 

It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them. Ralph Waldo Emerson

 

A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship. John D. Rockefeller

 

I don't need a friend who changes when I change and who nods when I nod; my shadow does that much better. Plutarch  

A friend is someone who gives you total freedom to be yourself. 
Jim Morrison 

Am I not destroying my enemies when I make friends of them? 
Abraham Lincoln 

In the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter, and sharing of pleasures. For in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed. Khalil Gibran
 

Friends show their love in times of trouble, not in happiness. 

Euripides 

Friends are born, not made.Henry B. Adams 

I have friends in overalls whose friendship I would not swap for the favor of the kings of the world. Thomas A. Edison 

Wishing to be friends is quick work, but friendship is a slow ripening fruit. Aristotle

 

If it's very painful for you to criticize your friends - you're safe in doing it. But if you take the slightest pleasure in it, that's the time to hold your tongue. Alice Duer Miller

The language of friendship is not words but meanings. 

Henry David Thoreau 

There is nothing on this earth more to be prized than true friendship. Thomas Aquinas
 

Walking with a friend in the dark is better than walking alone in the light. Helen Keller

The only way to have a friend is to be one. Ralph Waldo Emerson 

Fear makes strangers of people who would be friends. 
Shirley MacLaine 

Each friend represents a world in us, a world not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born. 
Anais Nin 

A friend may well be reckoned the masterpiece of nature. 
Ralph Waldo Emerson 

My best friend is the man who in wishing me well wishes it for my sake. 
Aristotle 

An excellent man; he has no enemies; and none of his friends like him. Oscar Wilde 

Friendship needs no words - it is solitude delivered from the anguish of loneliness. Dag Hammarskjold

Nothing but heaven itself is better than a friend who is really a friend. 

Plautus 

A true friend is someone who is there for you when he'd rather be anywhere else. Len Wein
 

The friend is the man who knows all about you, and still likes you. Elbert Hubbard 

Silences make the real conversations between friends. Not the saying but the never needing to say is what counts. 

Margaret Lee Runbeck

Never make friends with people who are above or below you in status. Such friendships will never give you any happiness. 
Chanakya 

If you have one true friend you have more than your share. 
Thomas Fuller 

Friendship is held to be the severest test of character. It is easy, we think, to be loyal to a family and clan, whose blood is in your own veins. Charles Alexander Eastman 

A quarrel between friends, when made up, adds a new tie to friendship. Saint Francis de Sales

 

It takes a long time to grow an old friend. John Leonard 

It is more shameful to distrust our friends than to be deceived by them. Confucius

 

Friends... they cherish one another's hopes. They are kind to one another's dreams. Henry David Thoreau 

What is a friend? A single soul dwelling in two bodies. Aristotle 

Friends... they cherish one another's hopes. They are kind to one another's dreams. Henry David Thoreau 

It is more shameful to distrust our friends than to be deceived by them. Confucius 

Love is blind; friendship closes its eyes. Friedrich Nietzsche

 

The sincere friends of this world are as ship lights in the stormiest of nights. 

Giotto di Bondone

Laughter is not at all a bad beginning for a friendship, and it is far the best ending for one. Oscar Wilde
 

No person is your friend who demands your silence, or denies your right to grow. Alice Walker 

A true friend is the greatest of all blessings, and that which we take the least care of all to acquire. Francois de La Rochefoucauld 

Rejoicing in our joy, not suffering over our suffering, makes someone a friend. Friedrich Nietzsche 

Be slow in choosing a friend, slower in changing. Benjamin Franklin 

Rare as is true love, true friendship is rarer. Jean de La Fontaine

A friend is, as it were, a second self. Marcus Tullius Cicero

 

Yes'm, old friends is always best, 'less you can catch a new one that's fit to make an old one out of. Sarah Orne Jewett

 

Many a person has held close, throughout their entire lives, two friends that always remained strange to one another, because one of them attracted by virtue of similarity, the other by difference. Emil Ludwig 

Lovers have a right to betray you... friends don't. Judy Holliday

Friendship is certainly the finest balm for the pangs of disappointed love. Jane Austen 

He who hath many friends hath none. Aristotle 

Let there be no purpose in friendship save the deepening of the spirit. Khalil Gibran 

My best friend is the one who brings out the best in me. 

Henry Ford 

Without wearing any mask we are conscious of, we have a special face for each friend. Oliver Wendell Holmes

The bird a nest, the spider a web, man friendship. 

William Blake 

Love quotes

Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies. Aristotle 

Love begins at home, and it is not how much we do... but how much love we put in that action. Mother Teresa


Come live in my heart, and pay no rent. Samuel Lover

A very small degree of hope is sufficient to cause the birth of love. Stendhal 

If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day so I never have to live without you. 
A. A. Milne 

All my life, my heart has yearned for a thing I cannot name. 
Andre Breton 

Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up. 
James A. Baldwin 

I was born with an enormous need for affection, and a terrible need to give it. Audrey Hepburn


A part of kindness consists in loving people more than they deserve. Joseph Joubert 


As soon go kindle fire with snow, as seek to quench the fire of love with words. William Shakespeare

If you press me to say why I loved him, I can say no more than because he was he, and I was I. Michel de Montaigne

A loving heart is the truest wisdom. Charles Dickens 

Friendship often ends in love; but love in friendship - never. 
Charles Caleb Colton 

A pair of powerful spectacles has sometimes sufficed to cure a person in love. Friedrich Nietzsche
 
Time is too slow for those who wait, too swift for those who fear, too long for those who grieve, too short for those who rejoice, but for those who love, time is eternity. 
Henry Van Dyke 

Faith makes all things possible... love makes all things easy. 
Dwight L. Moody 

I like not only to be loved, but also to be told I am loved. 
George Eliot 

Love is always bestowed as a gift - freely, willingly and without expectation. We don't love to be loved; we love to love. 
Leo Buscaglia 

The best thing to hold onto in life is each other. 
Audrey Hepburn 

First love is only a little foolishness and a lot of curiosity. 
George Bernard Shaw 

Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop.
H. L. Mencken 

I can live without money, but I cannot live without love. 
Judy Garland 

Love can sometimes be magic. But magic can sometimes... just be an illusion. 
Javan 

Someday, after mastering the winds, the waves, the tides and gravity, we shall harness for God the energies of love, and then, for a second time in the history of the world, man will have discovered fire. 
Pierre Teilhard de Chardin 

If you want to be loved, be lovable. Ovid 

A kiss is a rosy dot over the 'i' of loving. Cyrano de Bergerac 

Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times. Rita Rudner

Love is the flower you've got to let grow. John Lennon

To fear love is to fear life, and those who fear life are already three parts dead. Bertrand Russell 

We loved with a love that was more than love. Edgar Allan Poe 

Love yourself first and everything else falls into line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world. 
Lucille Ball 

The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread. Mother Teresa 

Life is the flower for which love is the honey. Victor Hugo

Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another. 
H. L. Mencken 

Absence - that common cure of love.    Lord Byron 

This is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Alfred Lord Tennyson

Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired. 
Robert Frost